ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Life is a suicide mission.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking