Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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Found the job I’m suited for
⛄️
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”