me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Harsh but fair
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Don’t talk down to me
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.