[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
You Might Also Like
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!