Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.