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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…