Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
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On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
anyone else like Italian cereal
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*