Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You Might Also Like
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I needed a laugh this morning.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Happy Star Wars day!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.