today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
💁🏻♂️
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly