You know…for fall…
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I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever