Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
You Might Also Like
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats