Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
(Gaming support cat.)
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.