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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I鈥檓 ok
[Leaving for work]
*can鈥檛 find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can鈥檛 find computer bag*
the answer was staring at me all along
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
When you let grandma cat sit
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can鈥檛 be good.”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone鈥檚 neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I鈥檇 say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we鈥檙e not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
A polite way to signal to your guests that it鈥檚 time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.