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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within