[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
j o i m p
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
So inspired right now.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.