Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
How high do the levels go?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”