[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
why am I working on Labor Day
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*me flirting
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing