her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.