Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows