I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Sheer Arrogance”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Aw man, but that’s the best part
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.