I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Feels like there should be a middle ground
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.