Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
A small tragedy.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.