Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo