Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Happy weekend !
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.