[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
opening twitter today
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?