The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
WHY would you be happy about this?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible