When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I鈥檓 sick of going to the beach
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn鈥檛 get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Sorry but they鈥檙e not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.