Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.