An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The French word for sex is croissant.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Fluff me with a fork baby
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂