At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
That’s incredible! 👌
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.