They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
socratic questions
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie