Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
huge if true: the moon
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel