This will never not be funny 😭
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Every work call, he judges.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”