Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary