Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*