GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.