3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.