2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
They’re really bad with fonts.
i hope my email finds you on fire
cry laughing at this shit
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?