Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.