Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*updates tinder bio*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?