*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read