Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!