NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.