The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
i think my razor is having a panic attack
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.