Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.