I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
RT if you could go either way.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*limbos away from your hug*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?