Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works