*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?