People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me too door. Me too.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Oh boy, $150,000!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*