When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
You Might Also Like
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.