Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.